A Pirates Life For Me

2006-09-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

No more posts. Its far too invasive and judgemental for my liking. Goodnight. xxxx

2006-08-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

evil, sedistic, callous, nasty, back stabbing, theiving. i have never known such evil. i have come to the conclusion that everyone is a cunt. everyone. even the people you expect the most of just fuck you over royally. the people you think you can trustt with your life. the poeple you think will always be there for you. the people you love more than anything. the people you would die for. the people you would give your last breath of oxygen to.yet they still fuck you over. they still rip your heart out with your guts to follow. and before all of that they will bend your arm completely behind your back in order to do it. bunch of fucking cunts. or maybe just cunt. i dont know. all i know is ive not ever felt this much hurt and betrayal in all my life. not even in march. nothing is as it seems. my heart has just been ripped out. and i dont know what to do other than just die slowly with it. i dont want to fight a lost battle.

2006-08-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

GAGGED.

2006-08-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

2006-08-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

So I went to this Awards thing. It was awesome. I had tons of fun, had a beautiful room, a present...the hotel was fucking huge. i got lost on my way to the room and ended up on some big balcony type thing. It was like a giant dolls house or something from Pride and Prejudice. No, i dont know if i spelt that right at all.

But our group was tons of fun. We got in, had a drink with chris, Adam and Sy in the hotel gardens, where there was MAN SIZE CHESS!!!!!!! I kow im sad but this is the most exciting thing i have seen in a while. yes, i do need to get out alot more. then i went back up to my room which i had managed to trash within 10 minutes of being there.

I had the best bubble bath in the world. i relaxed a little too much and i only left myself with ten minutes to get my arse downstairs to mingle and be all polite and well behaved.
Sat and smiled politely with all the other guys. chris my manager was already pissed on turbo shandy and absinthe- though at this point he was holding it together very well.

I look awful in these pictures. something dreadful must have happened between me walking away from the mirror in the room and doing the 10 minute walk to the gardens. i dont know what happened cos i was looking great when i left my room. i still scrub up rather well though, i think.

We were called to dinner very late and I as absolutely horrified to find out that we were all split up and on different tables. Why would they do this?! I ended up disappearing to my room for 20 minutes because all the tension was giving me a headcahe and i was not up for chit chat. so i disappeared and took headache tablets.

The worst part was I ate duck liver. Actually worse that that was the most delicious two lamb shanks put infront of me. But I couldn't eat them because they were too hard for me to cut and i was pushing them so hard that they were sliding across my plate, and I was gonna have a 'slippery little suckers' moment like Pretty Woman. So i barely ate anything. the dessert made me ill. i forgot how much I dislike Baileys. I think was ACTUALLY made me sick was the 2 litres of red square, 2 glasses of archers and lemonade and two smirnoff ices. drunk all within 2 hours. then white wine at dinner. but i dont like to acknowledge that too much.

eventually they called out the nominations and we had to go up on stage and have pictures taken. my heart was racing. everyone in the room just watches you...it was awful. went and sat down with a bottle of champagne. then came the announcement of the winner. basically, the winner is the best store in the chain. best customer service, performance staff morale etc etc...

they said 'we are annoucing 2 winners...one is not quite the sheild, but still a winner none the less.' i thought that was it. we wouldnt win. we would be runners up. but then they announced that the runners up was a bimringham store. thats wheni knew we had won. we went up and received a giant check for our store. one of those mahusive ones that charities have. but im not posting the pic of me holding that...cos chris took it when he was pissed and its all shaky and has distorted everyones faces.

We got more champagne nad had more pictures taken. our manager Alison made a beautful speech and got a standing ovation for it. which apparently never happens. It got me a bit teary cos i realised how much fun i was actually having and how much i love my job and how proud i was. and i really dont want to leave it as a job. but new york is something i have to do no matter what. cos il regret it for the rest of my life if i dont go. anyway...thats another depressing blog entry for another time. Once we had won and collectd all our champagne, trophy thing and check we sat down, which is where a magic bar opened up from behind this giant wall. the wall kind of rotated to reveal a free bar which actually comes very close to the mansize chess in the ratings of the coolest things EVER.

Me and Aimz retired pretty early. at around midnight. but i find hotel rooms so lonely. yet comforting at the same time. i like the impersonal part of it. i love the fact there is ALWAYS someone awake nearby. so i sat watching crappy live gameshows until i fell asleep somewhere around 2am.

had breakfast this morning. rushed to pack. Alison drove me home. Tired.

Pretty hotel:

2006-08-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm back at my cliff,
still throwing things off,
I listen to the sounds they make..
on their way down,
when it lands, will my eyes be
closed or open?

I like being the winner in love and lost. I don't like not being in control of it. Right now I feel asthough I have lost control of everything. And I don't know how to stop it all. I know one way but it's probably not healthy. It's definately not healthy.

Am extremely tired. Feel out of the loop with everything. Shortcuts and meaningless snipes.

I miss it too much...My chest aches and pains for it all. All the lights and the musty smells of the bars... The laughter and the osft drawls of those beautiful accents....

7am after hours in my PJ's...its all the rage....

2006-08-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

i go through all this,
before you wake up,
to feel happier and safe with you again.

So all has been decided. I've been a bit head fucked this past week. I couldn't decide if moving to New York would be the right thing to do. I was seriously considering just completely backing out of it. I was worried I would miss all of my friends too much. I was worried i would miss my family, miss english food...and here is safe you know?

here is not a giant city where there are horrible people just trying to fuck everything up and mess with my head. here is legal. here is stable. here i have people to support me. here i can get into bars and not care. here there is no social bullshit. here i coul dhave a career.

and it sounds really fucking stupid, because i wouldn't go through with it now for a million pounds..but the past few weeks ive been feeling super maternal! and then last friday wheni held my cousins little baby i just really really want one. and thought about settling down. But then when i actually think about it in detail i realise how utterly stupid that would be of me. I would regret it 100% within a year of having it. i know i would.because it would mean giving up all the things i havent finished exploring yet. and until ive done allof that i dont want a whisper in hell of settling down. i came too close to it before, and that made me realise how much i almost lost so young.

So i decided that when im homesick, or bored in new york, i will tell myself 'if you were at home, you would be homesick for new york, and you would probably also be bored. but at least you are bored in new york.'

And i dont care about all the mean people. because im just going to surround myself with all the eople that i know are kind and will do anything for me. and that will make me happy. and i have enough people there to make me feel happy.

Next week I am going to these awards things. which meant I had to buy a trouse suit with my wages yesterday. I maneged to get a cute blazer, trousers, shirt with a jumper for £46 altogether.

The venue is now in Bishops Stortford. What the frigging fuck is that about?! i now have to sleep in a big scary hotel room all by myself !i have no way of getting home, and have already had the chat from my manager which is along the lines of 'the company have payed for this beautiful hotel, you should be so thank ful...' etc etc etc. which i dont mind. i just dont want to sleep on my own. hiopefully there will be a TV in there and that will make me sleep a little easier. that and the bathroom light on...yes. next up...pictures.

2006-08-04T04:25:00.000-07:00

Well, the past few days have been nothing but hours of endless self discovery.

Apparently I broke someones heart. No one seems to care that it broke my heart as well. I was warned away so many times and now just hours after it was finalised and the hearts were in tatters is this person doing everything I was told he was doing all along. and now i realise it. But I dont care.

I think everything about him makes him wonderful...good things make him special and cheeky and hilarious. The bad things make him a stronger person.

But what I did realise this week is that I just can't be in a relationship. If I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with this person.

But I had way too many flashbacks this week. And not only did it make me feel doomed (as if having hugs on a subway train is obviously going to end up in someone who is not you getting pregnant by this persons child and then for you to find out they had made it all up!) but it made me realise that i felt locked like that. and i didnt want to feel locked if i couldnt be with that person every day. what is the point? It's like being locked in a Thorntons choclate shop but someones already taken all the stock out! I may as well just concentrate on the huge things in
life that will make me happy. Such as location, career, just general happyness. And I dont think I ever got that from my only serious relationship anyway. Because I need to have everything that makes me happy in one place. my sister, My friends, NYC.

Once that is done. Which can really all be done in one smooth step (touchwood) in October. Then I just need to find someone silly enough to marry me. and with enough money to pay for my Visa forms and shit. ugh...Now i'm thinking about it, it definately wont be smooth. But it isn't impossible. And I do need a job before anything.

OK...bottom line. Relationships are a no no for me at the moment. But I would like to state the fact that my heart ACHED at Darkroom that night. It doesn't change how wonderfully fantastic I think that person is. It's just not practical right now.

2006-08-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

New York is amazing. Best. Week. Ever.

Viles, chinese food, no tights, dark lighting, exploding air conditioning, pirate band aids, sidney the dog, dave chapelle, lil john, pianos, ren and stimpy shots, ridiculous heat, garbage trucks, pizza on the floor, long after hours, finnish people, bad electric, bad moods, funfairs, mermaids, strippers, randoms, sand, bumper boats, coloured cigarettes, rickys, not spending every night at the same bar, realising why darkroom is actually called darkroom, subways, mohawks, cab rides to the next block, hot dogs for every meal, blackmail, bruises, impressions, flowers...The best city in the world.

2006-07-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

I know i've said this a billion times before, but this time I really am going to do it.

There's a guy that runs like...a posh hairdressers in Essex and travels around the country doing seminars for other professional hairdressers. And he has asked me a billion times before if he can cut my hair and take pictures of it for free. And ive never done it. I dont know why. The first few times I guess was because I was with a moronic dick who thought i'd run off with every guy i saw, let alone you know...let a guy TOUCH my hair.

But then I just couldnt be bothered. But he's asked me this time to travel to a few seminars so I can pose in front of a class while he cuts and colours my hair and i get the whole day paid for. Which doesnt sound too bad to me at all. One is in London, one is in Oxford, and the other in Leigh On Sea. Starting August 14th. So i'm gonna book those days as lieu or something at work and go.

Why the feck not?

You know what I love? That I have just realised how much of a life I am living. How close I was to never having a life. And how the one person who has come close to wrecking the best thing I have is now living a boring boring, sad pathetic life. and they hate it. But I am awesome. I have come to this realisation. And i'm not stopping anything that I want to do. Not for anybody. Never again am i sacrificing FUN and sponteanity for anybody.

I need to find out who sung 'anorexic beauty'. i downloaded this song thinking it was Pulp, and upon listening to it, it is quite clearly not Pulp.

2006-07-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

i have to be up very fucking early tomorow. cos im a dick. and i said i would work the only day off i have before new york on friday. and on thursday im now working like a 14+ hours shift. because im a dick. and i couldnt say no. i am a dick. D. I. C. K.

so now tomorow morning i need to get up early, do my washing, get it all dry, start my packing, download all of the music and spent hours putting it all onto discs, and then be at work by 2. ugh.

But work is going super well.

and today i had 2 customers tell management that i am great. one guy said i had given him ' the best service i have ever received in any store, ever, in my whole 42 years of life. she was so polite, funny, welcoming, helpful and willing to help me out in every way she could, even though I wasnt buying.'and another guy basically said the same thing, though not quite as great. so i got that marked on my record which should go nicely to my whole moving into the business center side of things. so for that i was awarded with ten pounds worth of free stock. so i bought a weeeny widdly bunny rabbit thing and an inflatable football that lights up. which i plan to throw at carmens head the whole time in new york.

i cant wait for new york. i cant wait to see matt especially. and everyone else. coney island should be awesome. everything should be awesome. no drama. i cant wait for starfuck. i want to smell like the skinny for a week. at least.

2006-07-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

Ok..So i'm a grumpy fucker when I wake up anyway. But jesus christ I swear to God the rental unit get up earlier and earlier every single day and make more and more noise. i mean...i tut at carmen when she makes noise, but thats like, necassary noise so i really dont mind it. but is it really necassary to tart puttng away dishes at 6am, which go right beneath my head and all i can hear is CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK! CRASH! and then is it really necasssary to start walking in and out of my bedroom doing fucking laundry before 7? really?!!! i wouldnt mind so much if they were getting up becaus eyou know, they had jobs to do and shit. but instead all they will do all day is prop themselves up at a frigging skanky bar all day or lay on the sofa and pretend to be retired or some shit. they have AALL DAY!!!what makes it worse is every single night teh step dad sleep in the living room because it's 'cooloer' or whatever and he blows his nose and it sounds like a fucking trumpet is going off! and he'll cough loudly and bang the back door all night long. and it really pisses me off!!!!!! ukasgdjkagdjja

2006-07-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a trip to Southend On Sea with some of my favourite people in the world. Lauren, Mr Skipper, Aimie and Ian were all in attendace.

After a bit of a mental morning shopping for token cartoon themed underwear adn eating iced caramel coffees, i finally made it on the train. met lauren and dave at southend central and we walked down to chinnerys together and had the best pint of stella artois i have ever had. we sat outside in the glorious sunshine and spied on towers of london who were for some bizarre reason outside the chinnerys with all of their instruments. aimz and ian joined us a little while later. we stayed drinking for a few hours. us girls groped eachother a bit. Lauren tried inviting the bald bartender to peter pans. he declined.

me, Aimz and Lauren all played in the arcades. me and lauren failed miserably at the dance mat. aimie won 3 teddy bears from the machines.
We made our way down towards Peter Pans. lauren dissed Towers Of London on the way right to their faces which was quite amusing. they looked rather embarassed.

we were all quite tipsy at this point, i should add. thats probably the reason Lauren was able to give Ian a piggy back down the high street despite the fact he is probably twice her weight:

I also came across 'Bad Boy Bears' which are little bears in bondage gear that have penis's and vaginas and whips..... I wasnt sure what to make of that.

But the actual funfair was really good. Although I made the mistake of projectile vommiting as I went on 3 spinning rides one after the other. One of which was this ride right here:

Now dont be fooled into thinking that is actually peoples arms in the air...that is peoples FEET! and it was way less scary than i remembered but having so much beer sitting in my stomach just made me vom as soon as i got off of the ride. it was disgusting. But once id had a slush puppy and managed to force myself to puke evy last bit of beer out of me, i was pretty much raring to go again for a little while, though i didnt return to the dragon claw (left) as much as i wanted to for fear of vommitting whilst upside down.

But I had a super fun day. We stayed until it was almost dark and went on every good ride. It was a really relaxing day, everyone got on and there was no drama at all which was lovely and made a change. there was no hispter bullshit to deal with. just nice, harmless fun. I went on a dingy ride too but Lauren has those photos. You may notice that there are hardly any pictures of myself..because it was such a hot day i just looked like a red hog with dry skin all day.

Actually the adventure kinda stopped once we walked under here....Then we crashed and burned.....

Today I have spent all day napping in the heatwishing to go d i had bought myself one of those cheeapo fans at work. ive just been sprawled on my bed half naked groaning at the heat and sweat. still, at least I have a late start tomorow.

Mum bought me and carmen the coloured cigarettes back from spain. they're all pink and blue and green. they probably taste like shit but damn do they look P.I.M.P.

2006-07-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

Can everyone please go to www.nme.com/newmusic

hit on the right hand column 'most popular, and around 5th place down is The Go Station.

Listen to them if you dont trust me when i say that they're awesome and amazing and deserve to be at the top of that list.

It would give the band a chance to tour over here, and they really deserve it.

if everyone just voted two times each. you can lie a little bit and make up a dumb arse email like bendover@hotfudge.com or something and they wouldnt know. it takes 30 seconds to sign up.

thank you and goodnight.

2006-07-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

AWWWWW!! My new phone has finally all been accepted and is in transit, which means it SHOULD technically get here Monday. But the phone was only released last week so knowing 02 there's probably a huge delay on it. But look how pretty!

It has a 3.2MP digital camera, MP3 player, video calling, video recording and playback, 3d games, bluetooth, sky TV on it too!

I'm easily pleased, I know. But i haven't EVER had an up to date phone, let alone one that has all this shiz on it and has only just been released!

2006-07-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I spent this morning looking through our old baby photos, which was weird and fun at the same time. i was one ugly mofo of a kid, i tell ya...

After lugging my camera around all night on Wednesday this was the only drunken picture i managed to take;

oh the bright lights of erm....southend kursaal.

my throat hurts, yet weirdly i still want cigarettes.

2006-07-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

lauren: oh my god, are you still eating that pasta?! how have you made that tub last all day, you were eating that a mid day!

me: erm...i might have had a second tub. or three.

2006-07-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

My God. Last night was insane. I cant even write all of the details up. there is a huge chunk missing from this but those of you who are equally as sad as me and own a live journal get the whole story!

Last night I agreed to go out with my friends Aimie and Ian in Southend On Sea. We were there pretty late and got to Room24 with only an hour to drink with.

It as really awkward at first. We even got a bottle of champagne to get us all drunk but it just wasnt happening. The conversation just seemed really false and I spent most of my time ogling Ronaldo on the Portugal V France match.

then for no reason at all, the bar girl decided to close the bar eextra early as well. So we decided to go and see the owner of Room24's new bar..Muse. It's still on the seafront, but has a strip joint in the basement. We were planning on just sitting at the bar upstairs but when we got there, the upstairs bar was closed and we had to go downstairs into the seedy strip joint. To be honest, I actually didnt think it was that seedy. It seemed really clean, although it was a bit on the small side of things.

Phil (owner man) was the perfect host and gave us table service all night.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at how personal the girls got. They get completely naked too. I thought most places made them keep underwear on.

Then we all got impressed by the price list. £10 got you a fully nude lapdance. Me and Aimz joked about it, while Ian got all excited like a little boy.

Unfortunately, being that me and Aimz influence eachother in so many bad ways, after about 4 more double vodka and red bulls we decided we would get a dance too. We tried getting one together but the dancers refused to do that, so instead we went up at the same time but with a seperate dancer on opposite ends of the stage.

The guys were perving over it so much that me and Aimz were allowed to have 3 songs worth of dances instead of 1.

Then when we left the stage the whole room cheered and applauded us.

I was just shocked at how personal it was i guess. The girl touched everywhere and kissed...It was strange. Me and Aimz just kept looking at eachother over the dancers shoulders in disbelief at how drunk and ridiculous we were being.

It was definately an experience. I thought it would be quite overrated but it was actually quite entertaining. Though after the first song I did get slightly bored. That was when me and Aimz got the giggles.

Went back to their house and crashed out with my panda which is now officially mine! yay!

they have this cute old panda bear stuffed toy which is the best thing to hug. And theyve finally said that when i move away i can have it!

2006-07-05T11:15:00.002-07:00

I'm so lame. I did plan to nap all afternoon and be really lazy. But instead i've been researching Basildon and my old step dad quite alot.
I remember this guy www.bernardomahoney.com being hated quite alot by my step dad and all of his friends, because he was some kind of grass.
I never really understood it before but looking at this fucking website, what a fucking name dropping arsehole. He just lets slip of everything, and has a whole chatroom dedicated to talking about all the old gangsters, where people can go and ask him 'who grassed kenny noyle' and he will tell people. It's messed up. just by reading you can tell he thinks he's some bigshot twat just because he used to run the door at racquells like a million years ago.

Anyway. I also spent the afternoon downloading old pictures of my town. I think it looked better in the 60's....

LASAGNA!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

So Monday night I had insomnia and spent the majority of the night looking up Basildon. I found some really sweet stories. One old man (who must have wrote this donkies years ago) wrote how he remembered when the Zoo was used by the army to camp out in during WW1. But there was one army officer who was insane where he had lost a leg but still wasnt discharged from the army, who would cry and play his banjo all night long, and the sounds would echo all down London Road through to Vange.
But best of all of the above picture..I really really really wish there were still young boys who dressed like that and hung out at Basildon Market. It's like The Vintage Hives!!